Monday, September 10, 2012

Irrational thoughts are just that, "irrational"

So today, Monday, September 10, 2012, the Bloggess posted about suicide prevention and awareness. She instructed us to give the reasons why we are still here and the things that get us through. My comment on her post was as follows:

The doctor always asks, “have you had any thoughts of committing suicide or hurting yourself?” I always answer, “no” It’s not true, but I think that they mean, “have you ever seriously considered it?” and then my answer is true. In fleeting moments, I imagine what it would be like to drive my car into a wall, or though a red light. Just because. Or what would happen if I just didn’t wake up. But then I think of my children and my mom. My poor mom. She would have to care for my children with all of their disorders AND deal with my death. That’s totally not fair. I’m still here because I can rationalize how fair/unfair and selfish of me it would be. And I believe in an afterlife, so I don’t think the suffering would end, but possibly go on forever…

Now, someone read my post and followed through to my blog to post their comment. It was a very welcomed comment and it actually made me feel like my "thoughts" are okay. The comment was left by an "unknown" but was:

I followed your comment on The Bloggess's post here because replying there seemed too messy. When my shrink asked me if I'd ever felt suicidal, I asked him to explain the question, since I frequently imagine situations that would cause my death. Buses going up on the sidewalk and hitting me, house fires, shootings, that kind of thing, as well as the "what if I wake up dead?" question. He told me he thought it might be something called persistent catastrophic thoughts, and it's actually an OCD symptom. Just wanted to share since once I had an explanation, those thoughts stopped bothering me and started just existing, and I thought the information might help you too.

Now, I want everyone to know that I truly have no intentions of hurting myself in any way. I sometime have the "what if" and "I wonder what it would 'feel' like" thoughts though. I actually have a low threshold for pain. I get no pleasure in any way out of injury or accident. It was funny that the person who commented mentioned fire. I have had an irrational fear of dying in a fire or losing all my "things". I'm aware that it is irrational. I am also aware that things are just that, "things". 

Anyway, I just wanted to share this and say thank you to the "unknown" person who made me feel better today. You have supplied me with my good thought for the day.

1 comment:

  1. You said this all perfectly. I've done the same thing, stuff just pops into my head all the time, but I actually freak out if I think I'm dying (happens with anxiety attacks). Gets way more fun when you hit menopause... =P My psychologist assures me I'm not going crazy. I know people who have killed themselves, no one ever saw it coming, they did such a good job hiding their stuff. I couldn't hide my stuff if I tried, maybe that's a *good* thing!