Saturday, September 29, 2012

Sometimes Dad's Suck (updated)

Over the course of the last week I have had a long tedious argument with my dad on facebook about the history of the pledge and freedom of religion, civil rights, and gay marriage. To me it all boils down to everyone having the right to live their life and respecting everyone's right to do so.

In this conversation I sent my dad an e-mail and I ended it with,

"I do love you and I do respect your beliefs. I however feel like you don't respect mine which is why I continue to argue. Mom says it's because I was raised by you and I'm just like you. So maybe we should agree to not discuss it any further ever again? What do you say?"

Well, I got a long drawn out response about how God saved him and how he's chosen to ignore some of my facebook posts about women's rights, gay rights, and political debates. Never once did he say he respected my right to have my beliefs, in fact he basically said, yea let's not talk about it anymore or else I won't love you anymore.

"I think your Mom is right, there are some things we really shouldn't discus. I do love you and would like to keep it that way"

So if we don't agree, and we discuss it, he can't love me anymore? Seriously? I wanted to tell him to FUCK OFF!! But being the respectful daughter I told him

" I noticed that in your response you did not dispute the fact that I said I feel like you don't respect my choice of beliefs and that says a lot to me about our relationship. I am glad that your beliefs have helped you get through your tough, even toughest times. But you also have to realize that I have gone through some really tough times as well without having the same beliefs. We should all respect eachother's beliefs. This is the last I plan to say on the subject but just remember that in all of our years I have never told you I thought your thoughts or beliefs were bullshit, but over and over you have told me that mine are."

I have to get off here now, but I needed to share this. I am hurt more deeply than I ever believed possible by the man who raised me as his own, even though he is technically my ex-step-father, he is and has been as far back as I can remember, my dad.

update: got a couple of new emails from my dad, but basically it boils down to he said he didn't mean it the way I took it. I feel better but nothing is really better. Mostly I just realized he is insensitive unintentionally and it's just the way things are.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Back Pain...Updated

So this past Thursday morning, my whole world came to a screaching halt.
A little history, when I was 20ish I hurt my back. I'm 36 now and have been living with a range of back pain and I suffer from degenerative disk disease in the L5/S1 region.
So I'm sitting in an old fashioned rocking chair, typing on messenger to my mom. All I did was push up with my hands on the armrests and used my right foot to turn myself to get comfortable. Suddenly this sharp, stabbing, radiating pain locked me ino position and I was stuck. I couldn't release my weight from my arms or my leg. The lower right side of my back and hip were in so much pain. Luckily my kids hadn't left for school yet and I was able to get my daughter to type to my mom for me.  I sent the kids off to the school bus, my mom got here 20 minutes later and I was still stuck in the same position. My hands were numb and my leg was twitching.
My mom currently is suffering from a torn rotator cuff and I weigh at least 100lbs more than her so she couldn't help me so she ended up calling 911. I swear there were 20 firefighters in my house. After an IV and something that made me super dizzy, but didn't stop the pain, they were ale to get me to stand and guided me down the U shaped set of 15 steps down to my livingroom so they could get me on the gurney.
At the hospital, the CT showed what I already knew about my spine degeneration. The doctors of course then determined that I either sprained or strained my back and in the process pinched the cyatic nerve.
So I'm at home, in bed, on pain meds. Taking short walks to and from the bathroom with a cane. I went down stairs with some help from my 18 year old son and his friend. I also was able to take a sort of shower today. I will not be kept down from this. It is simply a setback. I love everyone in my life who has catered to my needs for the past couple of days. Without them I feel like I could have just given up. I'm feeling a ton better, but I am still very stiff and my meds are making me rather emotional.
I just felt like writing this all down.

Update 9/18/2012: I wrote the original post on 9/15/2012, I actually hurt myself 9/13/2012 but was on tons of pain meds/muscle relaxers. Today however is the first day I've been off all of that and my last dose of the 6 day steroid "dosepak" I just wanted to say, I'm up and around business as usual. My back is stiff and my stomach is too, but I'm functional. I have way too much to do to sit around and do nothing all day and letting the children take over my house. It looked like a scene from "Lord of the Flies" in my house. A tornado couldn't have done as much damage as my kids did. I swear without me their brains must just fall out onto the floor and they must walk on them or something. That and my cat has a nervous stomach and was stressed out and dropping little piles of stress all over the house to gross everyone out. So glad that's over.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Full Circles - This is a fun post (for me at least)

It is something that seems to happen to me often, and today is no different.

Yesterday I was looking up David Bowie movies and came across a movie I had never seen before.

The Prestige (IMDB Link - The Prestige)

In this movie, David Bowie plays the incredible scientist and inventor, Nikola Tesla. (Wiki Link - Tesla)

Today I decided to get the movie and as I was watching it, I also decided to check my Facebook. Interestingly enough, there is a post by The Oatmeal (FB Link - TheOatmeal) linking to an article about Nikola Tesla. (BBC News Link - Tesla)

After finishing the movie, I go back to my Facebook and I click the link to read the article. Within the article is a picture of David Bowie as Nikola Tesla.

David Bowie played Nikola Tesla in 2006 film The Prestige

Ah, how my life goes in circles    };o)

Monday, September 10, 2012

Irrational thoughts are just that, "irrational"

So today, Monday, September 10, 2012, the Bloggess posted about suicide prevention and awareness. She instructed us to give the reasons why we are still here and the things that get us through. My comment on her post was as follows:

The doctor always asks, “have you had any thoughts of committing suicide or hurting yourself?” I always answer, “no” It’s not true, but I think that they mean, “have you ever seriously considered it?” and then my answer is true. In fleeting moments, I imagine what it would be like to drive my car into a wall, or though a red light. Just because. Or what would happen if I just didn’t wake up. But then I think of my children and my mom. My poor mom. She would have to care for my children with all of their disorders AND deal with my death. That’s totally not fair. I’m still here because I can rationalize how fair/unfair and selfish of me it would be. And I believe in an afterlife, so I don’t think the suffering would end, but possibly go on forever…

Now, someone read my post and followed through to my blog to post their comment. It was a very welcomed comment and it actually made me feel like my "thoughts" are okay. The comment was left by an "unknown" but was:

I followed your comment on The Bloggess's post here because replying there seemed too messy. When my shrink asked me if I'd ever felt suicidal, I asked him to explain the question, since I frequently imagine situations that would cause my death. Buses going up on the sidewalk and hitting me, house fires, shootings, that kind of thing, as well as the "what if I wake up dead?" question. He told me he thought it might be something called persistent catastrophic thoughts, and it's actually an OCD symptom. Just wanted to share since once I had an explanation, those thoughts stopped bothering me and started just existing, and I thought the information might help you too.

Now, I want everyone to know that I truly have no intentions of hurting myself in any way. I sometime have the "what if" and "I wonder what it would 'feel' like" thoughts though. I actually have a low threshold for pain. I get no pleasure in any way out of injury or accident. It was funny that the person who commented mentioned fire. I have had an irrational fear of dying in a fire or losing all my "things". I'm aware that it is irrational. I am also aware that things are just that, "things". 

Anyway, I just wanted to share this and say thank you to the "unknown" person who made me feel better today. You have supplied me with my good thought for the day.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Am I Autistic too?

In terms of the distribution of the scores of the general population it can be said that the getting a score of:
11 – 22 is Average for most of the population.
22 – 31 Indicates that one has slightly higher than average autistic traits.
32 +     Shows a high degree of autistic tendencies
A score of 50 is the maximum that can be achieved with the AQ Test and indicates an extremely high degree of Autistic traits.
So I was looking at the preceding site today. I had previously taken the test on behalf of my son prior to having his doctor evaluate him for Asperger's Syndrome and for fun decided to take the test for myself. I scored a 37. Rightfully so, the site suggests anyone scoring 32 or above should seek medical advice. One of my biggest symptoms includes the inability to ask for assistance or in anyway be confrontational. I know that some people don't see those as the same, but to me they are. You see, anything that makes me anxious, relates to myself as confrontational. If, in the act of doing something, I feel I have to explain myself, it becomes confrontational. Now all of the mixed diagnoses that I have gotten over the years could most likely fit neatly into an Asperger's diagnoses and suddenly have an, "A-ha! That's what's wrong with me" kind of response. But I'm not feeling the "A-ha!" moment. Instead I'm feeling the, "It's all my fault my children have mental disorders and I should have known better that to have multiple children after knowing there was something wrong with the first one that the doctors tried to convince me to abort 5 months into my pregnancy because my initial screenings came back Downs Syndrome, but then the genetic testing came back as not Downs, so they were terrified it could be something completely different and probably worse" moments. So now I feel like i suck and I feel the depression coming on but I'm fighting it. I probably shouldn't have taken the test today anyway because I was already feeling a bit edgy and snippy beforehand. I've had what one can only assume is a stress headache now for almost a month and my medically diagnosed irritable bowel has been acting up. It's a slippery slope to be standing on I do believe. So far, I'm still standing though. And that is a plus. Mostly because I'm still standing AND I'm talking about it. Maybe not to real life human beings, but I am sharing it on the interwebs. I know you are real life human beings, but I don't see your judgement, so it's less like you are real to me. And now, I'm off to pet my cat.