Friday, March 16, 2012

Nonsensical Rambling

So I noticed today that I hadn't wrote down anything in two whole weeks. I guess that's a sign things are going better than usual. After all, I usually only write when there is something bothering me. So guess what? There is nothing bothering me, but I felt like updating anyway. This post will pertain to a time prior to my last post, but I wasn't in the right place to post about this yet.

It's the season of Lenten within the Catholic/Episcopal churches (maybe others too, I don't know) and for Lent, I intended to give up bologna sandwiches. Not a major thing, but an unhealthy thing that I have on a daily basis. Well, I never realized how much I desired them until I wasn't allowed to eat So, I failed at my Lent task at least 5 times so far, and I still have just over 3 weeks to go. One good thing I also gave up was checking up on the status of my ex-friend, who had been making my life miserable, too see what she was saying about me on Facebook. That part, I have succeeded at. And amazingly enough, although I still think about all the crap occasionally, I feel 1000% better. It's funny. I'm not a very religious person, but I decided I was going to do this for my kids. I still don't necessarily believe in, "one true God, above all others," mostly because I am a very scientific person and have yet to see inconclusive evidence that that is the case. However, there was this little rock they gave us at church the Sunday before Ash Wednesday. We were told to "pray" all the bad we had done, and has been done to us, into this rock and then bring it back to church the following week and give the bad to God. So I did this, and turned in my rock the Sunday after Ash Wednesday. Went about my day and later that afternoon I got horrifically ill. I was so sick, (excuse the graphic nature of this) that it was literally coming out of both ends. I was sitting on the toilet with a bucket on my lap. Fever of 101.xx and I could barely move. When I looked in the mirror, I was actually the color green. That is how sick I was. The next morning, I woke up and felt mostly fine, slight remnants of recovering from an illness. Took it easy for the day. But basically, after all that, within a couple weeks it seemed the stress and anxiety of the previous few months was gone.

I don't honestly believe that one has anything to do with the other, but it would be nice to think that maybe there is something to it, whether subconscious or spiritual in nature. No matter what, I just generally have felt pretty upbeat about my life over the last couple weeks.

Thanks for reading ;)

Thursday, March 01, 2012

What Is my diagnosis? I mean, REALLY!?

I mean I know that people throw around words like crazy, insane, psycho and even the big one schizophrenic.

Lately has been a bit rough for me. Other people's crazy has been fucking with my mellow. I have been off my meds for years now, by my choice, AMA. Over the last couple of months, I have been catching myself arguing with people, out loud, who are not even there, days/weeks/months AFTER the disagreements. Then I yell at myself for it. I have become completely terrified that I might end up doing this in public. These are full arguments. I hear the other person's voice responding to my arguments about the argument. I am scared. I don't want to go back to the doctor. I am always afraid that they might lock me up and take my kids away. I mean, logically I know that is not even remotely likely to happen, but doesn't make the thoughts go away. Logic doesn't always win. My brain KNOWS things don't work that way. You see, one time, one psychiatrist told me that I was schizophrenic and had no right having children. So I guess it's always in the back of my mind. Then the anxiety takes over.

I have seen lots of psychiatrists since then though. None of the others think I'm schizophrenic. Some think I'm Bi-Polar, others have said I just have Multiple Mood Disorders coupled with Anxiety. that's the one I completely feel. ALL THE TIME! Daily/Weekly/Monthly even Yearly. All the fucking time. It hurts, in my stomach, my chest, my head; heartburn, nausea, migraines. You name it.

So right now, I am sitting here. Just sitting here. Over-analyzing every feeling, every thought. I still don't have any answers. I feel a little better now, but I still don't know if what I am dealing with would constitute Voices in my head.