Thursday, March 01, 2012
What Is my diagnosis? I mean, REALLY!?
I mean I know that people throw around words like crazy, insane, psycho and even the big one schizophrenic.
Lately has been a bit rough for me. Other people's crazy has been fucking with my mellow. I have been off my meds for years now, by my choice, AMA. Over the last couple of months, I have been catching myself arguing with people, out loud, who are not even there, days/weeks/months AFTER the disagreements. Then I yell at myself for it. I have become completely terrified that I might end up doing this in public. These are full arguments. I hear the other person's voice responding to my arguments about the argument. I am scared. I don't want to go back to the doctor. I am always afraid that they might lock me up and take my kids away. I mean, logically I know that is not even remotely likely to happen, but emotionally...it doesn't make the thoughts go away. Logic doesn't always win. My brain KNOWS things don't work that way. You see, one time, one psychiatrist told me that I was schizophrenic and had no right having children. So I guess it's always in the back of my mind. Then the anxiety takes over.
I have seen lots of psychiatrists since then though. None of the others think I'm schizophrenic. Some think I'm Bi-Polar, others have said I just have Multiple Mood Disorders coupled with Anxiety.
Anxiety...now that's the one I completely feel. ALL THE TIME! Daily/Weekly/Monthly even Yearly. All the fucking time. It hurts, in my stomach, my chest, my head; heartburn, nausea, migraines. You name it.
So right now, I am sitting here. Just sitting here. Over-analyzing every feeling, every thought. I still don't have any answers. I feel a little better now, but I still don't know if what I am dealing with would constitute Voices in my head.