Thursday, September 06, 2012

Am I Autistic too?

In terms of the distribution of the scores of the general population it can be said that the getting a score of:
11 – 22 is Average for most of the population.
22 – 31 Indicates that one has slightly higher than average autistic traits.
32 +     Shows a high degree of autistic tendencies
A score of 50 is the maximum that can be achieved with the AQ Test and indicates an extremely high degree of Autistic traits.
So I was looking at the preceding site today. I had previously taken the test on behalf of my son prior to having his doctor evaluate him for Asperger's Syndrome and for fun decided to take the test for myself. I scored a 37. Rightfully so, the site suggests anyone scoring 32 or above should seek medical advice. One of my biggest symptoms includes the inability to ask for assistance or in anyway be confrontational. I know that some people don't see those as the same, but to me they are. You see, anything that makes me anxious, relates to myself as confrontational. If, in the act of doing something, I feel I have to explain myself, it becomes confrontational. Now all of the mixed diagnoses that I have gotten over the years could most likely fit neatly into an Asperger's diagnoses and suddenly have an, "A-ha! That's what's wrong with me" kind of response. But I'm not feeling the "A-ha!" moment. Instead I'm feeling the, "It's all my fault my children have mental disorders and I should have known better that to have multiple children after knowing there was something wrong with the first one that the doctors tried to convince me to abort 5 months into my pregnancy because my initial screenings came back Downs Syndrome, but then the genetic testing came back as not Downs, so they were terrified it could be something completely different and probably worse" moments. So now I feel like i suck and I feel the depression coming on but I'm fighting it. I probably shouldn't have taken the test today anyway because I was already feeling a bit edgy and snippy beforehand. I've had what one can only assume is a stress headache now for almost a month and my medically diagnosed irritable bowel has been acting up. It's a slippery slope to be standing on I do believe. So far, I'm still standing though. And that is a plus. Mostly because I'm still standing AND I'm talking about it. Maybe not to real life human beings, but I am sharing it on the interwebs. I know you are real life human beings, but I don't see your judgement, so it's less like you are real to me. And now, I'm off to pet my cat. 


  1. I was truly relieved to get a diagnosis, because then I was able to stop having to apologize for all my personality flaws, like the confrontational thing you mentioned. It's part of who I am. If you think about it, everyone has something. Just because we can label it now doesn't mean it's bad, people have had personality glitches since the beginning of time. I personally don't see spectrum disorders as mental disorders, just a different developmental style. I hope your day turns out awesome, and I bet the cat is already loving you. ;-)

    1. Oh yea, the cat gets a little too lovey sometimes. I pet her for like 2 mins and then she licks my hand for like 10 mins. Drives me crazy sometimes, but it seems to make her happy. And she's old, so I try not to let her have some simple pleasures. :)

      I have continuously had to apologize for coming across "rude" to people. One of my best friends and I go for years sometimes not talking just because I hurt her feelings with something I said or did. My mom does better at pointing out that I'm saying hurtful things without acting like I hurt her. I'm sure I do, but she just tells me instead of yelling at me.

  2. OK - well my son received his diagnosis of autism when he was 2 and a half years old. He's 10 now is is at the higher function end of the spectrum and I just received an additional diagnosis for myself this summer of bipolar disorder (after years of other diagnoses) - and as soon as I write this comment I am opening that link and I am going to try that damn test because it's just how I am.

    I'm appalled that a DR would have advised you to abort when they thought your child may have had Down's.

    Don't get me wrong - I am Pro-Choice. But I've also met some sweet kids with Down's and some amazing parents who felt blessed to have them.

    I love Janika's comment above about it being just a different developmental style. It's a great way to look at it.

    We all have tough days and it's SOOOOOOOOOO damn easy to blame ourselves because would we rather get mad at ourselves or mad at our kids for something that can be frustrating as all hell and that is really NO ONE'S FAULT?


    1. I agree, at the time the doctors wanted me to have an abortion there were a lot of other health issues going on for me personally as well. However I was highly offended at HOW they went about it. I was 17 and in high school. I had some bad test results and was sent for genetic testing. When I went to my follow up appointment to find out the results, they not only suggested I terminate (at 5 1/2 mos), but also had already acquired the prior authorization needed from my parents insurance provider. This is the same doctor that when she told me I was pregnant, her next line was, "there are options available" and I jumped up with, "no there aren't!" Of course at the time I was pro-life. I have since joined the support for pro-choice, however I personally have never chosen to terminate any pregnancy. So my doctor already knew where I stood prior to attaining the prior authorization needed. Almost like she had hoped the shock of the "bad news" would scare me into an abortion. My son is now 18 years old. He has his issues, but I love him dearly. I love all 3 of my children with all my heart and I could not imagine my life without them. Though I do, at times, question whether or not I made the right choice as far as each is concerned or if I made the choice merely for selfish reasons. These are MY children. MINE! And I will not allow some doctor to make my decisions for me of whether they live or die. My 3rd child was also suggested I abort by a different doctor, but for my health and safety. I have a beautiful, healthy 10 year old girl (I always wanted a girl) who I look at everyday and am thankful I took on the health risk to have her. Because guess what? I'm alive too :)