Yesterday was a bad day, today is better

This is one of those nonsensical rants that possibly only I will understand, but go for it.

So it started as a normal day. My younger son had an appointment at 9:30am to get lab work done. To start off, we live close enough to the lab to leave 20 mins before the appointment and still get there early, however we didn't get out the door until 9:15 so I knew we had to go straight there. So we are heading there and we hit construction, so I'm thinking I should have gone the other way, but too late now. One lane of traffic each way on a road that normally has 3 on each. So we're motoring along and we get to the lab and check in RIGHT at 9:30. At least we're not late right? So I give the lady behind the counter the paperwork and as it turns out, although the doctor said STAT he didn't write it on the paperwork. So the lady behind the counter says she can't add it. Oh well. So we sit in the waiting room for 20 mins and they finally call us back. Then we sit in the lab room for 10 mins before the tech gets there and she tells me she's the only one working today. SERIOUSLY! Okay, lab work is done. We go to the car and upon attempting to exit the parking lot, in my little white car that no one ever sees, a big old ginormous truck decides to come the wrong way through a one way lot and tries to run me over. Luckily he seemed to notice me at the last moment. Time to get my son something to eat before taking him to school. He wants McDonalds. So we head to McDonalds. Driving down the road and I get stuck behind a car doing 28 in a 45. And of course, everyone in the next lane is going 45, so I can't pass it. I honk and the car speeds up to about 35, and then gradually returns to 28. Finally, I pass HER and just as I'm moving back into the lane, she speeds up and almost hits me. OMG! ANYWAY, We are finally at the drive thru and we attempt to order a chicken sandwich, but it's 10:15 and they only serve breakfast until 10:30...okay, so we order a bacon/egg/cheese McGriddle combo instead. Way more expensive than the 99 cent chicken sandwich and a drink we were going to get. But it's okay. We pull up to the window and the guy hands me the drink and asks me, "bacon egg and cheese?" I say, "yes." He goes away for a bit, 5 minutes actually. When he comes back he says, "bacon egg and cheese biscuit." me: "Um, no. McGriddle." I pull out my receipt. He says, "does it say that on the receipt?" in a very condescending tone. And I say, "yep." So he leaves again. about 5 more minutes go by (they must be making it fresh?) and he comes back and gives me the right food. Before I can even pull out, he's already hanging the next person's order out the window. Now I'm taking my son to school. That went well.  So I'm driving to the next place and I catch myself spinning my left hand in circles above the steering wheel and saying out loud, "round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows." over and over again, until coming up to a red light where I thought, "I wonder what would happen if I just don't put on the brake?" This isn't the first time I've caught myself thinking this while driving down the road. This is a thought that truly worries me, because I really don't want to kill myself and I don't self harm. However when I'm driving on a bad day, sometimes I just think, "what if..." The thing that seems to snap me out of it and makes me stop the car is that  with my luck, I would live through it but wreck my car and have to explain the reason I just drove through a red light to a police officer, or my family and friends. Moving on...I went to the school my kids will be going to next year to fill out their registration packets, then the auto parts store to get an air filter for my car. Drove to my mom's where my mom and I located the place to put in the filter and then replaced it, easy peasy! So I went with mom to the beauty school to get a haircut, man they take forever there. One of my ex boyfriends calls to see what I'm up to. I imagine for a booty call or something. But I politely turn him down with the excuse that I will be busy all day because although I don't want to go there again, I don't want to make him upset with me either (I have non-confrontational issues.) Now during the haircut, I rode with my mom there in her car while my step-dad washed my car. You would think that'd be great, it wasn't. When we got back to mom's house, my step-dad proceeded to lecture me about the state in which I "didn't" keep my car clean on the inside. So I left there just slightly pissed considering all the buttons that have been pushed on this lovely day. So by 3 o'clock when I picked up my younger 2 kids from school, I was totally a wreck. I was never going to my mom's house again and didn't want to ever leave my house again either.

The good news is, today I still got up and got out of the house, went to the store with my mom and even went to my mom's house. I functioned today, in spite of myself. In spite of the rotten day before (more than one bad day this week actually...but that's not important)

And you know what? I owe it all to Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. The Bloggess. I just finished reading her first (and only so far) book Let's Pretend This Never Happened. I learned to keep going even after a total meltdown. I realized I'm not alone in the feelings I have. If you are here, you are probably here BECAUSE of Jenny's site http://www.thebloggess.com but if you aren't here because of her, you should go check her out. She is not for the judgmental or the easily offended, but she is honest and beautiful and funny and (right now) my favorite person on the internet. And if you are Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, "Thank you Jenny, for being you!"

I just felt like writing this all down

Recently I have been so upset by a person I knew for a short time. I had been a wreck with all of her drama for months before I stepped aside and decided I wasn't going to deal with it anymore. That was just after Thanksgiving and it keeps rolling in. I am doing so poorly at this point that I am losing sleep over it and feel sick and stressed all the time. I have deleted people off my Facebook that may have associations with people who may have associations with her. I have had to block my Facebook page so that anyone not on my list can not see or message me at all. And anytime I try to defend myself, everything I say gets twisted and skewed. I haven't the energy to deal with this anymore and my most recent responses in this matter have been posted publicly on Facebook. To look at her page, you would think I was out to get her. You would think I intended to torment her and ruin her. All because I met the guy she was having an affair with that she had me believing was her boyfriend. When I found out the truth, I tried to reason with her and discovered that she was completely disillusioned about the whole thing. She has even gone as far as to tell me that things I was witness to happened in a different way. All making her out to be the victim of some malicious plot. She's claiming I hacked her accounts/emails and shared her private information with people. She claims that I am obsessed with the guy that she was having the affair with. I worry each night when I go to bed about the fact that this person knows where I live and where my children go to school. But I have no concrete evidence that it is her writings that are the delusion and not mine. So legally, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. In an effort to protect myself, online at least, I changed all of my e-mails and passwords for everything I do. Tacked on extra security measures in places where that is possible. I have changed my network configurations at home to only allow hardware that I own to connect. I feel like I sound paranoid. But if it's true, is it paranoia? I do not know how far this will go. There has been no personal contact other than online since November 2011. I have had people, one was a mutual friend and one a person I had never met, send me messages on her behalf in an "attempt to help." I have archived all of that for my own protection, but I don't know that anything in these messages would hold up as proof because without the context and history, they would not read as threatening. I have tried to screenshot as much actual page data as I can from her Facebook wall, but she will frequently delete the posts shortly after someone will comment on them. I have since blocked her Facebook and any of her friends who had met me and/or contacted me. I don't even know if this makes sense and I am sure it's not in chronological order in any way. I just needed a place to vent. If you read this, thanks for making it this far. I feel better just getting it typed out.