Survival

okay, I'm not sure where to start, but I want to write this down.

Today is May 23rd, 2014. On March 9, 2014, my 38th birthday, I almost took my own life by overdosing on sleeping pills. There is a long story to this, but honestly it didn't start out as me wanting to die; really it didn't end with that thought either.

I find myself looking back on the events of that day and the night before. I am head over heals in love with my best friend, who does not feel the same way. {We'll call him Ed} Over many years we have been friends with benefits. The night before I had "implied" that I wanted to wake up on my birthday to him being home in bed with me. His response was, "nimodos." Which is Mexican slang that loosely translates to, "oh well, get over it." Which hurt my feelings because he is my BEST friend and I thought he should be with me on my birthday. {There is some back story here I should get into. He is very promiscuous, whereas I am/was very monogamous to him even though we weren't in a relationship because of how I feel for him.} We argued for a bit and I ended up going to bed sad and alone. When I woke up in the morning, (my birthday) I was still feeling very withdrawn and could not even consider being happy. It was around 8am that I sent him a text basically saying I give up and since I'm such a problem he would never hear from me again. I turned off my phone. Now know at the time, I honestly just meant I wouldn't bother him anymore, but I worded it so that if he cared at all, he would come to me instead of me always worrying about him. At this point I went back to bed. I couldn't sleep, so I took 2 of my amytriptiline that mt doctor had given me to help with my insomnia. 

{amitriptyline /am·i·trip·ty·line/ (am″ĭ-trip´tĭ-lēn) a tricyclic antidepressant with sedative effects; also used in treating enuresis, chronic pain, peptic ulcer, and bulimia nervosa.}

I never really thought I wanted to die. I wanted him to think I did. I wanted him to come rushing home to make sure I was okay. As I lay there in my bed, not sleeping, I think that maybe if I take 2 more pills my mind will stop racing and I will sleep. I lay there...awake, still thinking. So I take 2 more pills. I don't know how many times I repeated the cycle of laying there thinking and taking 2 more pills, but it seemed like a lot. At some point, as I went to take 2 more, I had very little motor control, so I poured the bottle of pills into my hand. I tried to count them and couldn't. At this point I was thinking, "well that should be enough, if I take them all, my brain will have to stop one way or another." I took them all!

The kicker is, my brain never shut down. I never stopped thinking, only now I couldn't move or open my eyes. Friends started coming by to tell me happy birthday, even my mom stopped by. Everyone just thought I was asleep, so they left me alone. "Ed" did get my text message and it must not have taken him long to realize that my phone was off because he called some friends who were in the area to come check on me. They tried to wake me. They shook me, slapped me and yelled at me. They cried. They called "Ed" and he rushed over to me as fast as he could. He realized I had taken pills, so he flipped me over and shoved his fingers down my throat to try and make me vomit. He called 911 and my mom. My brain was still awake. I heard everyone and everything. In my head I thought, "just leave me alone, I want to sleep." My mom threw water in my face, my daughter cried, and the paramedics used smelling salts to wake me. As soon as they would remove the salts, I would go right back out. Based on what little information they could get from me during each "salts" moment, they figured out what I took. They started an IV and put me on a gurney. After this, I blacked out completely. {I'm pretty sure all this was within an hour of my laying down to sleep} I woke up in the hospital ER at night, maybe 8 or 9PM, it was still my birthday. My mom was there. My longest, best female friend was going to be back soon Mom said. "Ed" had been there and my kids had been there. The nurse banned "Ed" from the ER because whenever he spoke, they said my blood pressure spiked dangerously high. I was in and out for hours.

I voluntarily agreed to be committed to a behavioral health facility in my area. I spent night 1 at the ER and nights 2-4 in the mental hospital. Mostly I slept and cried. The paramedics reported my incident to Child Protective Services. It has been 2 months; Mom has to be with me everyday while my kids are home. I'm required to have a "Safety Monitor" 18 or older with me. I have a Family Preservation team at my home 3 days a week, plus weekly visits from CPS.

I had been off of my psych meds for about 4 years and had not been to a psychiatrist in just as long. In conjunction with being off my meds, the amitriptyline I had been taking for 2 months prescribed to me by my PCP for sleep had mood altering effects that I was unaware of and they may very well have led me down the path to get me where I was. I am back on my meds with a whole new diagnosis. I take an anti-histamine based sleep aid now that was prescribed by my psychiatrist. I am okay. I am still in love. I am still sad. I am coping. I am ALIVE!

Taking to Twitter-TheBloggess a couple of weeks ago helped me open up to tell my story. Thank You Jenny for your kind reply.