Friday, June 29, 2012

A Bad Dream

So this morning, I woke up in a horrible fright. I had the worst dream a mother can imagine.

In my dream I was crying, apparently my daughter had died in a school related bus accident along with her friend. (In my dream the friend was unnamed, but in my head looked like her friend Siani from Girl Scouts) I was moving down the long street in my old neighborhood where I grew up. I felt like I was riding on something, but I don't know what. Every time I would pass a little girl bike or playhouse, I would cry some more. I decided to go to the church that my daughter loved so much. When I got there, it looked like a cafeteria from a school. In the far right corner were some dumpsters and to the left their were cafeteria style  folding tables that were set up like benches in a row and along the side row of benches, there were shopping carts with balloons tied to them. On the balloons were pictures of the two girls. I still don't know if there were more than the 2 balloons, but I feel like they were repeating the images down the row. I cried, "My daughter!" I went over and somehow I was sitting down and my daughter was sitting in front of me talking to me about her passing. She was telling me how God had taken her from me to teach me a lesson and that I should appreciate him. Other than a few scenes where I was crying behind the dumpster and replaying the scene with my daughter, I don't remember much else after this except having to use the restroom...and so I woke up.

It took a few minutes after waking for it to sink in that I had lost my daughter in the dream. So immediately after finishing in the bathroom, I went to her room. She has this decorative netting that goes around her bed, like a princess, but when I walked in the room, it was wrapped around her like a blanket. I carefully removed it and draped it back over the foot of her bed and I just stood there and watched to make sure she was breathing. Of course she was, it was only a dream after all.

I hate religion, and this is a good example of why. I believe there is something out there that contributed to our existence on the planet Earth. I don't know what, who, or how but I believe that science will find the answer one way or another. But I have a hard time accepting that there is this "one true God" who will punish you for not believing in him. Taking away your loved ones to teach you of his existence to me would be counter productive. Because although you might believe in him, you would resent him forever. I also don't comprehend how everyone says, "God is a merciful God." Only to be banished to the fires of Hell for misdeeds  and lack of repentance. I am a good, nice, and honest person. I try to love and care for everyone equally. I try to always do the right thing, because I feel bad when I don't. I am sure my dream stemmed from a whole slew of religious post I saw on Facebook right before going to bed. Plus the massive headache I've had for almost 2 days could have been playing tricks on me. Or even a combination of both. All I know is that I am alive and so are my children. But what a fucked up way to wake up.

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