The Bloggess Is Awesome!

So yesterday, my 9 year old daughter and I went to The Bloggess book signing event at Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, AZ. It was a wonderful (and nerve wracking) experience for both my daughter and myself.

On the way there we encountered the onset of a giant rolling dust storm, known here in AZ (at least) as a haboob.

Since we were extremely early, my daughter and I sat in the car in the parking lot for a few minutes before deciding to risk the fury of the dust and just go inside.

I had already bought my book during the pre-order prior to it's release so we knew we wouldn't get a seat, but wanted to be sure we were where we could see, so we stood in line basically from 5:30pm until the event started at 7:00pm. Where I was standing, I was actually lucky enough to see Jenny come in through the back door and head to what I imagine is the back room of the bookstore.
There were so many people, my anxiety almost got the best of me. I was sweating so profusely that the ends of my hair were soaked as if I had stuck them in a cup of water. It was disgusting.
When she came out, she apologized for bringing the monsoon with her and explained that she just learned the word "haboob" and she thought we were just spelling boob incorrectly.

Then she did a reading from her book. One of the most awesomely hysterical chapters of all time, in my opinion, "The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door".

After this, Jenny did Q&A and my daughter, who was super excited to be there, raised her hand. Jenny was sweet when she called on her, Jenny said "Yes adorable little kid in the back?" At which point my lovely daughter asked, "Why are you so awesome?" After all the awes from the crowd subsided, Jenny replied, "You're so sweet." My daughter was beside her self with happiness.
The line for book signing was basically in groups labeled A-H in the order they had pre-purchased the book, each containing about 25 people, and then the rest of us. We sat around patiently waiting for them to call each group to the line.

The lineup started at about 8:00pm and my daughter and I finally got to Jenny about 9:40pm.
She is the best! Super friendly and patient. She took the time for each person to do pictures and short chats.

When we got home, I set the book on my bed, where my cat Chewy decided he liked Jenny's book too and he laid down on it and fell asleep.

Yesterday was a bad day, today is better

This is one of those nonsensical rants that possibly only I will understand, but go for it.

So it started as a normal day. My younger son had an appointment at 9:30am to get lab work done. To start off, we live close enough to the lab to leave 20 mins before the appointment and still get there early, however we didn't get out the door until 9:15 so I knew we had to go straight there. So we are heading there and we hit construction, so I'm thinking I should have gone the other way, but too late now. One lane of traffic each way on a road that normally has 3 on each. So we're motoring along and we get to the lab and check in RIGHT at 9:30. At least we're not late right? So I give the lady behind the counter the paperwork and as it turns out, although the doctor said STAT he didn't write it on the paperwork. So the lady behind the counter says she can't add it. Oh well. So we sit in the waiting room for 20 mins and they finally call us back. Then we sit in the lab room for 10 mins before the tech gets there and she tells me she's the only one working today. SERIOUSLY! Okay, lab work is done. We go to the car and upon attempting to exit the parking lot, in my little white car that no one ever sees, a big old ginormous truck decides to come the wrong way through a one way lot and tries to run me over. Luckily he seemed to notice me at the last moment. Time to get my son something to eat before taking him to school. He wants McDonalds. So we head to McDonalds. Driving down the road and I get stuck behind a car doing 28 in a 45. And of course, everyone in the next lane is going 45, so I can't pass it. I honk and the car speeds up to about 35, and then gradually returns to 28. Finally, I pass HER and just as I'm moving back into the lane, she speeds up and almost hits me. OMG! ANYWAY, We are finally at the drive thru and we attempt to order a chicken sandwich, but it's 10:15 and they only serve breakfast until 10:30...okay, so we order a bacon/egg/cheese McGriddle combo instead. Way more expensive than the 99 cent chicken sandwich and a drink we were going to get. But it's okay. We pull up to the window and the guy hands me the drink and asks me, "bacon egg and cheese?" I say, "yes." He goes away for a bit, 5 minutes actually. When he comes back he says, "bacon egg and cheese biscuit." me: "Um, no. McGriddle." I pull out my receipt. He says, "does it say that on the receipt?" in a very condescending tone. And I say, "yep." So he leaves again. about 5 more minutes go by (they must be making it fresh?) and he comes back and gives me the right food. Before I can even pull out, he's already hanging the next person's order out the window. Now I'm taking my son to school. That went well.  So I'm driving to the next place and I catch myself spinning my left hand in circles above the steering wheel and saying out loud, "round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows." over and over again, until coming up to a red light where I thought, "I wonder what would happen if I just don't put on the brake?" This isn't the first time I've caught myself thinking this while driving down the road. This is a thought that truly worries me, because I really don't want to kill myself and I don't self harm. However when I'm driving on a bad day, sometimes I just think, "what if..." The thing that seems to snap me out of it and makes me stop the car is that  with my luck, I would live through it but wreck my car and have to explain the reason I just drove through a red light to a police officer, or my family and friends. Moving on...I went to the school my kids will be going to next year to fill out their registration packets, then the auto parts store to get an air filter for my car. Drove to my mom's where my mom and I located the place to put in the filter and then replaced it, easy peasy! So I went with mom to the beauty school to get a haircut, man they take forever there. One of my ex boyfriends calls to see what I'm up to. I imagine for a booty call or something. But I politely turn him down with the excuse that I will be busy all day because although I don't want to go there again, I don't want to make him upset with me either (I have non-confrontational issues.) Now during the haircut, I rode with my mom there in her car while my step-dad washed my car. You would think that'd be great, it wasn't. When we got back to mom's house, my step-dad proceeded to lecture me about the state in which I "didn't" keep my car clean on the inside. So I left there just slightly pissed considering all the buttons that have been pushed on this lovely day. So by 3 o'clock when I picked up my younger 2 kids from school, I was totally a wreck. I was never going to my mom's house again and didn't want to ever leave my house again either.

The good news is, today I still got up and got out of the house, went to the store with my mom and even went to my mom's house. I functioned today, in spite of myself. In spite of the rotten day before (more than one bad day this week actually...but that's not important)

And you know what? I owe it all to Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. The Bloggess. I just finished reading her first (and only so far) book Let's Pretend This Never Happened. I learned to keep going even after a total meltdown. I realized I'm not alone in the feelings I have. If you are here, you are probably here BECAUSE of Jenny's site http://www.thebloggess.com but if you aren't here because of her, you should go check her out. She is not for the judgmental or the easily offended, but she is honest and beautiful and funny and (right now) my favorite person on the internet. And if you are Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, "Thank you Jenny, for being you!"

Depression

Today, or yesterday considering it's after 1am, I read a wonderful post from @thebloggess at http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on that inspired me to write this post. So here it goes, thank you Jenny Lawson a.k.a. The Bloggess.

Different psychiatrists have told me different things. when I was 19 it was postpartum depression and was given prozac and Xanax, at 22 it was schizophrenia (and was told I had no right being a parent), at 23 I was back to depression and given Paxil. A couple more pregnancies (and obviously no meds) before I sought help again at 31 (after a complete and total breakdown at a Wal-Mart self checkout counter), and now it's Bi-Polar coupled with Social Anxiety Disorder. Don't remember the meds that time because I was on like 5 different ones at once. By this point, I was over 300lbs due to side effects of meds and depressed eating, so at 32 I see a different psychiatrist who treats me for Bi-Polar with multiple mood disorders and multiple Anxiety Disorders. At 33, I am told, "you're not Bi-Polar or Schizophrenic, you're just severely Depressed and need to force yourself to socialize more, have you thought of joining a social group like 'Meetup.com'?" by a case manager at the mental health clinic. I left there in tears. I am now going to be 36 and have been off my meds ever since...My mom says I am definitely "borderline schizophrenic" and she believes this because my father was a "Paranoid Schizophrenic with Bi-Polar tendancies" at one point he was told he was "Manic Depressive with ADHD." I am a single mother with 3 children (18, 10 & 9), I have lost some weight (I am down to a fluctuating 245-250) and I just muddle through and spend most of my time seeking solace on the internet.